I have my doctor’s appointment this morning. My bag is packed, the kids’ are packed, Rhea is somewhat caught up on sleep, the laundry is caught up (again), and lesson plans are completed. Now, to have a baby!
There are only a couple of people who know what I am about to share. In fact, I was not going to share this on the blog, but only in a private journal. That plan changed this morning…
Backing up, I have shared that I have an autoimmune blood clotting disorder. I had six miscarriages before it was figured out, but now we know. And now I am on blood thinners during this pregnancy. This health situation has put me in the position to where I will need to have a hospital birth. Now I am grateful for hospitals, medicine, and the expertise of the medical field, but here is my struggle.
Rhea and I are being responsible by having our child in a hospital to be there in case my blood doesn’t clot after the birth. Our midwife, from the beginning, said this is what we should do and we trust her. Sure, I found another midwife who would do a homebirth, but Rhea and I trust our midwife who delivered PookieBear.
So, at every check up, the baby is great, my BP is great, my amniotic fluid is great, and my placenta is healthy and thriving, so why induce? Why can’t I just go to the hospital when “it is time” and have our baby? Why do Rhea and I have to fight so hard to be “allowed” to go past my due date (because I always go past my due date). Why does my age play in to this? I have already had an uncomplicated home birth in my forties. My blood clotting disorder isn’t even in play because there are no signs of the medication having effects on my body or to the baby with my weekly screenings. However, the doctors tell us that the chance of having a stillborn baby increase after 39 weeks with women with my condition. Well, yes, if they are not being monitored and closely watched, which I am. I have never been induced or had a c-section and this new reality that the OB is presenting is tough for me to process. I need to say here though that we really like my OB and he is conservative on so many issues of pregnancy. He is experienced with my condition and quite level headed and patient. I am never rushed when I see him. We just butt heads on induction. Rhea and I have been visiting with my midwife to find the right herbs and home remedies to try to do all that we can to help my body be ready earlier than it normally is ready for the big event.
The adoption system whether domestic or foreign is full of red tape and battles. Our medical system in our country is as well. Rhea and I even learned yesterday that our family pediatrician of 11 years, along with his colleagues, has taken a stand and will no longer see any patient who has not been fully updated on all vaccines. I wonder what it will all be like for our children when they have their children?
So, I have shared the one and only anxiety/fear that I have going into this labor and delivery, being induced with 2 different drugs and the doctor breaking my water prematurely. Yes, I completely trust our Lord to guide me through this. I do, but I am weak at times I will admit and truly keep giving this fear up to the Lord daily and even several times throughout the day. This struggle has added one more challenge in this entire adoption process. All of which have drawn Rhea and I closer together and have drawn us even closer to the Lord. We know this is all for our best and our good.
I focus on my husband, the kids, and last minute nesting, but once those contractions start up, I think about it again. Then the contractions subside and I go on. As I approach my appointment in a few hours I fight it all over again.
Well, I was walking Rhea & D-man out as they were going off to work together this morning, when something caught my eye in one of our flowerbeds. It was still dark as my guys were leaving for the day, but I saw something white on one of my gardenia bushes. No way! Not only are we having the worst drought and heat wave in who knows how many years, but my gardenias have already bloomed for a second time this year (which gardenias do not do). I asked Rhea if that was a gardenia I saw. He walked over, picked it, and handed it to me with a smile. He knows gardenias are my favorite flower God created and he knew I was starting to get anxious this morning about my appointment. There are no other visible blooms, buds, nothing on that gardenia bush or any of my other ones. There is this one lone fragrant flower. So, it takes a little ol’ flower to finally straighten me out? Yes.
Rhea and I hugged good bye and as I walked back in the house to put my special gift into water and take a picture of it for our child’s baby book, I thanked God for His kindness, His protection over me and the baby, His loving grace and mercy, His patience with my foolish ways, and for His creation, and specifically for sending me such a beautiful and perfect gift this morning. I am no longer anxious. My focus is not on the medical system, my doctor’s wishes, or the details of what will happen. I am focused on my God, our family and the wonderful, beautiful, moment when our precious baby who the medical world said would never make it, will be in our arms. Our baby, out of a freezer where he/she sat for 12 years, adopted and transferred to my womb, to our family, for the last 8+ months, is now ready to come into the world to be raised to know the One who created all things, Who’s love is everlasting, and who gave His only Son for His people. We serve a mighty and holy God!
22 And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat ; norfor your body, as to what you will put on. 23 “For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 “Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap ; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds ! 25 “And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span ? 26 “If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters ? 27 “Consider the lilies, how they grow : they neither toil nor spin ; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 28 “But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith ! 29 “And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. 30 “For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek ; but your Father knows that you need these things. 31 “But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. 32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.
Luke 12:22-31 NASB (emphasis mine)